EVERYONE is at Coachella!

 

We feel so left out!
The Coachella Music Festival kicked off this weekend and the rich and famous have flocked to the Polo fields of Indio.

Agyfug Deyn

People are always going on and on about the effortless, incomparable-to-mere-mortals style of model Agyness Deyn — like she’s some kind of Chloe Sevigny of the catwalk, and we mere mortals can only DREAM of rolling out of bed every morning as fluent as Agyness is in the language of Awesome.
I will give them the incomprehensible part.
Don’t get me wrong, she rocks the runway. But I have come to the conclusion that people really need to stop instructing me to covet her wardrobe. At the end of the day, I just can’t help it: I don’t want to leave the house in a brutally upholstered shirt whose lapels look like a deflated neck pillow. If I attempted this style I would be shot, skinned, and turned into an ottoman at an old folks’ home. Ergo, I will stick to regular things that don’t induce migraines in small children, and leave Agyness to run the risk that Bobby Trendy will offer her a job running the mechanical bull at his fine eatery, Cowboy Trendy’s Sirloin Factory.

Cosby sweater

Wow. I hope model Agyness Deyn’s 15 minutes are ticking to an end, because I am seriously, seriously over this ass clown:

[Photo: WENN]
I mean, COME ON. I’m sure she got this from some designer at London Fashion Week because she walked in his or her show, but Agyness, you don’t have to wear all of this stuff for REAL. You treat it like any other pastel nightmare of a Cosby sweater that your grandparents gave you for Christmas: You hold it up, you exclaim something vague and not-entirely-fibbed like, “Oh my, that pattern is so unique,” or, “Hooray, you remembered that the circle is my favorite shape,” and you might even put it on for an hour in the safe confines of your own home just so they think they’ve hit a home run — and then as soon as you’re out of their eyeline (or faced with leaving the house), you put it back in the box and think, “Damn, I dodged a bullet there, I am GOOD,” and give it to Goodwill. But not before you write a thank-you note saying something about how the design totally changed the way you look at coasters. Now, for the love of God, GO INSIDE, crackmonkey.

Fug or Fab: Agyness Deyn 2011 and 2012

Hot on the heels of a high seeding in the 2009 Fug Madness contest for everything she wore in the past 12 months, Agyness Deyn showed up at a Valentino event with a sleeker style than usual:

The hair is a huge improvement. And I love giant shiny clutch purses. But the dress itself… I can’t decide if it’s throwback glam, or some old stodgy thing that a depressed and jealous politician, or politician’s wife, would wear to the Inaugural Ball. In 1989. And I may never understand the appeal of chain necklaces that long — all I envision when I see them is a very long night of walking around the party and getting my business flogged by a very expensive whip.

Fugyness Deyn

Of the current crop of runway models, Agyness Deyn is one of my favorites. She’s cool on the catwalk, she’s got a unique look that stands out among all the long-haired bed-headed models with interchangeable pale faces, and I’m incredibly amused by the fact that Wikipedia tells me the celebrities she’d most like to meet are Queen Elizabeth II and Jordan — yes, that Jordan — whom Agyness reportedly claims seems super funny and real. Which is exactly what I would say about a woman who deliberately slices up her skirts to be no longer than nine inches. It’s like we’re soulmates. I wonder if she ALSO likes putting potato chips in her peanut-butter sandwiches.
But:
Yes, distinctive fashion style is an asset at times, but this one caught me by surprise because I don’t see her dress like this all the time. Indeed, when I saw the thumbnail for this photo, I thought, “Holy hot DAMN, Macaulay Culkin hit his head and thinks he’s in Duran Duran.” And I’m not sure that’s a clever style choice as much as an ill-conceived VH-1 holiday rock opera, which will run in deadly infamy this holiday season in a marathon alongside A Diva’s Christmas Carol.

Fugyness Deyn 2011 and 2012

Ladies and gentlemen, I give you Agyness Deyn:

Top model, sleeve aficionado, and emo Prince Charming for hire: She’ll rescue you from the tower and then write a song whining about how love totally killed her hamstrings.

Agyfugss Deyn 2011

I can’t decide what Agyness Deyn is getting ready to do here:

[Photo: FlynetOnline.com]
The hair is pure Hudson Street Orphanage urchin, the dress is more Grace Farrell, the jacket is something Rooster would probably wear if he were a lady — or even if not — and the trouser socks are pure Miss Hannigan. If all this is leading up to a one-woman production of Annie, well, pass the hip flask, folks, because the line stars here and I will wait as long as it takes.

Agyness Fugyn 2011 and 2012

I was just wondering the other day what happened to model Agyness Deyn here. (By the way, did you know her real name is actually the very y-deprived Laura Hollins? According to Wikipedia, “Deyn’s name was apparently coined to further her modeling career after she consulted her mother’s friend, a numerology expert, who advised her of the most ‘fortuitous’ way to spell the name ‘Agnes’.” I always just assumed her given name WAS Agnes and she was spelling it wackily, and that ergo I would probably be more successful if I started spelling my name, “Jyssykah” but it turns out I should probably start going by, like, “Ethyyll.”) You see, it’s not that I thought she’d retired or anything, I just hadn’t seen her out and about as much wearing, like, neon buckets on her head, or the like. Thank goodness something dragged her out:

Although this…happened last night, I can only presume she’s just blowing through discarded Halloween costumes and this was originally intended to serve as Haute Couture Oliver Extra, or someone who is really, really into those Jack in the Box “Bowl Cut” commercials. But…what’s going on with her FACE?

GIRL. Maybelline Great Lash comes in WATERPROOF. Look into it!

Fug Madness 2011, Round Two: Cher Bracket

“Hey guys, what’s up?

“Me? Oh, not much. Just heading out for dinner and drinks with some friends, wearing my old trusty barbed wired veil, hoop skirt, and panties! You know, just another Tuesday! Yeah, it’s hard to drink through this thing, but as long as someone gives me a series of straws with which to create one SUPER straw and can help me thread it through my barbed wire, I’ll be TOTALLY FINE. It can’t be more challenging than what happened to me the other day:

“Have YOU ever tried to wear a blindfold out and about? NOT EASY. I kept running into trees and electrical poles and city workers and falling down. How else do you think my hose got so tore up? Ah, me! See you in the next round! No way Whitney Port can beat me!”

“Hey, guys. I’m Whitney Port,
I can totally beat Lady Gaga. I mean, look at this:”

“That’s a really ugly belly shirt! And then, what about this, huh?

“I’m wearing TAP PANTS as OUTERWEAR. AGAIN! Ridiculous! I mean, sincerely, that is a really terrible outfit. It’s totally hideous! Please vote for — oh, who are we kidding?”

Fug Madness 2011, Round Two: Cher Bracket

:

"Hey guys, what's up?

Me? Oh, not much. Just heading out for dinner and drinks with some friends, wearing my old trusty barbed wired veil, hoop skirt, and panties! You know, just another Tuesday! Yeah, it's hard to drink through this thing, but as long as someone gives me a series of straws with which to create one SUPER straw and can help me thread it through my barbed wire, I'll be TOTALLY FINE. It can't be more challenging than what happened to me the other day:

Agyness Fug 2011

 

I'm sure I'm supposed to be impressed by Agyness Deyn's punky I-care-about-wanting-you-to-think-I-don't-care style, but seriously, unless she is ten minutes away from time-traveling into 1987 and being told she looks good wearing Eric Stoltz's future, she might want to let it go. There's ripped jeans, and then there's pants with more ladders than a game of Donkey Kong. Yawn.